Welcome to my monthly update, where I bring you up to speed with some half-baked thoughts and general schemes, and point you towards some great content you might not have seen before. Let’s begin!

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to write a blog in a stupid way, hey! So we very much downhill til Christmas at this point. Some years it feels like this is what it’s all about - the toil and hardship, all boil down to having a nice day on Christmas, wrapped up all warm with the famalam. And I don’t care how pathetic that sounds, I do enjoy the whole season, but sitting around in your matching pyjamas, sharing gifts and eating a great big undercooked Turkey is the dream. Isn’t it? Maybe not. I actually don’t think any of my dreams have been that boring, but it’s a wholesome ‘aspiration’. Fingers crossed nothing goes wrong and punctures that idealised conception of the day for me.

On the writing front, I wrote a lot of it in advance at the beginning of November, when I was blessed with what I referred to at the time as ‘Writers’ Diarrhea‘ but I very much regret everything about it and I can’t believe I’ve said it again. I’ll come up with a word for it. Inspiration? No, that’s taken. So that allowed me some leeway with scheduling some in advance and I’m hoping with enough stuff going out week to week, I can concentrate on bigger picture writing, even aim for more original short stories and chapters of my book.

I’ve really enjoyed my output these last few weeks, and I hope you’ve enjoyed them as my audience. Without you I am just a madman scratching out a manifesto on his own legs with a compass - with you, maybe I can find my way to a publisher or agent and be respected as a witty humorist and be invited onto Parkinson. Now THATs the dream, to be a guest on a rebooted chat show that I don’t think many reading this would have actually seen.

Anyway… I am looking to write maybe one serious or new piece each month that is a bit less comedically driven, does that sound like something you’d stomach or, dare I say it, enjoy? Hey, here’s a poll - let’s find out!

(I can’t render polls on this webite, you’ll have to go to the substack to engage with that.)

So, in case you missed it, what I published this month, and some comments and BTS notes about writing ‘em.

Original Writing

Invention - This, initially called ‘the fart camera’ but changed for obvious reasons, was greatly improved by stumbling upon this wikipedia page, ‘Flatulence humour’ which offered many avenues of exploring the concept, including 40 or so alternative ‘smelled it, dealt it’ rhymes. Very much a wikipedia page in the wild west looking for a moderator. Also Darmstadt, where the short story is based, is German for ‘intestine city’ apparently, hinting at the fart based nonsense to come. Honestly, the simple idea of setting everything in Germany and just having to say everything was in German was a lovely wrinkle that made even the mundane that bit more funny, which in turn meant the structure of the whole piece changed. I actually read an interesting book about the anus, in a sort of post-modern isn’t everything not what you think and actually oppressive but can be liberating kind of way. Literally gave it away this week so no, you can’t borrow it.

Wrds

Some new words or redefinitions of old words which I am pitching as an at least weekly word a day. For word lovers and word despisers alike. Would be approved by Stephen Fry

• Akratismaphobia - interestingly, I came up with this one while writing last month’s round-up. I nearly came up with the concept of a fear of breakfasts as an offhand joke and just threw it away! But isn’t that a telling reminder - we write so that we can write; it is the act of writing that inspires the ideas itself. This one was a real new word, and not just a stupid pun which is always rewarding, even if it is just a phobia which you can quite reliably create yourself, but it gave me an excuse to make up a lot of phobias as well as a delightful tangent about brunch. Originally, the word was going to be Proinophobia but it turns out that would be the fear of a modern greek breakfast, or more likely, just bollocks (because that’s not how phobia suffixs work). But once I rechecked that I stumbled across an article about different meals in Ancient Greece and before long the very silly concept of a clumsy portmanteau reared its trojan horse head and I was in. A quintessential classic, and another definition within a different word’s definition. There was also some footnote tomfoolery which I referenced with a note earlier… joy!

• Clogging - an actual word to describe a concept people already understand. Very relatable, yeah? And also self referential because what you are reading is the bilge. Oh and a brief foray into the images I use for my writing - yes, it’s AI, but what I like is that I use AI (only for rendering images) as a stupid improv partner. In this example, a lady is kneeling with all her legs at a breakfast table, while a man hides behind a door that is screwed in a way our boring euclidian geometry cannot comprehend. Also, worth noting that I asked the algo to provide me with a man and his family, and without skipping a beat, the machine made everything very sexy, with a family solely young attractive women, in some iterations even snogging him - he’s supposed to be scared of breakfast. I get it, it’s a weird concept. But still…

• Fleecetious - simple idea that I nearly said at a party (kids one, I’ve not been to a full on party in nearly a decade I imagine) but didn’t quite get out of my mouth in the moment. But writing it was a delight as I stumbled into the flesh of the definition - this bizarre-o world where the Ancient Greeks had their own strictly come dancing, but for livestock rearing. It is, undeniably, an idea.

• Carrolling - You can tell from the title of this blog that the idea was inspired in thought around this concept of Christmas carolling, but introducing a tasty little switch-up to breath nonsense into the old fish. However, when I coae to write this up, I actually got mixed up, as I was thinking of Tumness, beavers that sort of thing which was CS Lewis and not, Lewis Carrol. But the concept of Christmas Lewissing, isn’t quite as pithy.

Chapters

These are extracts from my previously released Alternative Wordbook, and in future months, other to be released written works.

• The Letter C - I remember writing this one and really banging my head trying to work out what the hell I was going to pretend to care about this letter. The resulting instructional essay was just about worth it. But again, see my last summary post, the later essays in the book - damned again by the ordering of letters in the alphabet!! (see my essay on the order of letters in the alphabet)

Quick Recommendations

What have I been watching? I watched Halloween for er Halloween and then all the Mission Impossible films for I had a free three months of Paramount + to make worthwhile

What have I been listening to? Oh god, bloody Sing 2 soundtrack, ad finitum. Oh, and I suppose this would be a good time to mention the podcast I love to dip into at bedtime, Ologies with Alie Ward. She just finds an interesting area, invites an educated guest who knows a lot about that subject and then they have a discussion. It’s very interesting, and approachable, even with a kids specific feed, but the main reason I bring it up - she spends an inordinate amount of time, preparing each week to have the subject properly defined by a single word. Which is what I do, in a way..!

What have I been playing? The fool! As in me, I’ve been playing the fool. (I’ve not been playing anything, too busy!)

Current Phobias - heights, death/dying, infinity, life-threatening situations, dangerous animals, the singularity (bad ending)

Christmas Wishlist - more subscribers seems a shallow request for Santa, but he must know that’s what I’m all about rn.