Please note this is an extract from my book ‘The Alternative Wordbook’ which features my original attempts at new words, tied together within a weird and subtle meta-narrative amongst the definitions (not very important). I’ll be sharing the chapters of the book, including essays on every letter in the alphabet, in consumable chunks or ‘chapters’ throughout the months and weeks that follow this, while I busy myself working on the next book which I definitely won’t be giving away for free eventually one day
The letter “c” is one of the most interesting of all the letters.
Go and get a glass of water. Now drink a little, but don’t swallow. Let the pool of liquid settle in the palate of the tongue. Carefully (and with the supervision of a trained medical practitioner) tilt your head back so that it is exactly, or nearly, perpendicular. Now, allow a slight whistling sound to emerge from the lungs – through the throat and vocal chords leaving the mouth past the tonsils (or simply through the mouth if your tonsils have been removed). If possible, give some opportunity for this whistling to emerge as deeply from your body as you can manage (be it from your heart, your stomach, or from the toes of your feet if so inclined) – and let it sing. Do you hear that? Good (I’ll assume you answered “yes” to this question; if not, return to the top of the page and start again). That sound is the medieval pronunciation of the letter “c” – although it doesn’t come close to the sound as it would have originally been heard from a well-practiced throat, muscles throbbing in god-fearing delight. This practice, cresfting, is now lost as you are no doubt well aware, or in fact completely unaware.
Originally performed daily as part of regular prayer and religious exercises, this practice still remains in some Hispanic cultures in a morning ritual known as “¡Curastina!”. In these circumstances, young children are encouraged to engage in this before they eat a hearty breakfast; the practice suggested to be as important to their health as bathing, homework, and scrabble practice is to our own children – though many cheat with a well-placed finger behind the tongue. Our loss is not simply cultural. Contemporary research has suggested some quite pronounced health benefits are fast disappearing without a good cresfting, with some (the ones with thicker glasses and shinier white coats) documenting a link between the ritual’s absence and a surge in the obesity epidemic. With no natural connection with the letter, our relationship to the letter “c” is replaced by an astonishing fear. With every approach we must ask: “is it a soft or a harsh “c”? Is that a “canal” on “Channel 5”? Why can’t cake cement itself into my life as an accentuated cacophony of coolness?” No longer in touch with “c”, we are left with a shallow letter that is neither as smooth as “s” nor as kicking as “k” – and many question why “c”, placed between these two behemoths, should burden us at all.
Casual English speakers are often frustrated by the many rules we have to define the letter’s use. As many have learnt by rota, having “i” before “e” is changed dramatically if it is immediately preceded by a “c” (though only before 10pm). This complexity, here and elsewhere, is down to relations “c” attempts to have with other letters – not only fussy around vowels, it is with another that “c” behaves most curiously: beside its lover, “h”. Together they have a charm: keen to touch, or chill on the couch. But this horny bugger “c” wants to escape this relationship, living in deluded hope that it can pull beyond its means with some other sexual partners – hence we find some ill-conceived dalliances, particularly with unsuspecting Czechs. Worse still are the bitter and callous encounters, where “c” spends most of its life outwardly rejecting “h”, only to crawl back to it in moments of weakness on those many drunken occasions behind the scenes, pathetically desiring the lap of tongue, and warmth of embrace.
As a medical note, using “c” on its own can be painful, so do take care, as the results can be catastrophic.
Thanks for reading!
