Hello word pals

“What is this?” I hear you squeal like a lil’ piggy pig. I’m attempting to refashion my output so it fits more with your lifestyle - I know, pretty nice thing to do of me! To do this, I’m ‘pivoting’ as they say, and presenting a monthly quick-fire collection of short-sharp stabs of literary nonsense - this includes a raft of new words, some amended definitions and a short list at the end of words which I believe should be removed. This collection format loses some of the long-form hikes through obscurity, into obscenity and beyond obsequious pedantry where some of the more delicious ideas are foraged, but I hope to retain these flights of fancy in more occasional occasions.

Anyway, the further ado now included above, I present to you my suggested changes to the dictionary for Feb 2025.

New Words

• Catastrophe - Khat·ass·trophy (noun)
  Finally, a word for the punctuation symbol: ‘!’

• Majortaur - May·jour·tour (noun)
  The more senior half-man half-bull to the lesser minortaur (see minortaur)

• Parisite - Pa·ri·sight (noun)
  Someone from Paris e.g. “the boulangeryman

• Woofter - Wo·ao·ff·f·t·ttt·eeee·rrrr·r (noun)¹
  A gay dog

• Triage - T·a·ree·ah-a!·gjshe (noun)
  Three of a pairing. e.g. “He ate a triage of cheeses.”

• Boulangeryman - Bl·ooolangl·errrl·ml·anlL (noun)
  Someone who works in a bakery (but may not necessarily be a baker) e.g. “he was a boulangeryman during the day, but played cricket at night to keep the streets crime free (he had a crime allergy)”

• Glemon - Glemo·n (noun)
  New fruit. It’s like a purple apricot, only a bit bitter. Tastes awful with its skin on, and needs to be cooked for at least 12 hours at a rolling boil, but trust me you’re going to hear a lot about the glemon this summer - you couldn’t move at the recent global new fruit industrial fair for people yapping away about this bloody thing, Y.H.I.H.F.!

• Y.H.I.H.F. - Y·H·I·H·F (meme/phrase)
  An initialism which expands out to the phrase ‘You Heard It Here First Friend’ which I’ve seen knocking around the digital word enclaves I frequent. Not caught on yet, but likely to IMH&HO

• I.M.H.&.H.O. - I.·M.·H.·&.·H.·O. (meme/phrase)
  An initialism which expands out to the phrase “In My Honest &nd Humble Opinion”

• Circumvent - Sir·come·vend·t (verb)
  To mouth off loudly years after having your foreskin removed years before you even knew you could have had some around your member and years before it became a tangible issue because no one was interested in your sexually until well into university.

Updated Words

• Minotaur/Centaur → adjusts to Minortaur/Majortaur
  It was felt there was some confusion over the half-man half-x beasts that have littered literature like greek mythology and the rest, and so we felt it was useful to classify these types of beasts into two categories - the cute hybrids you want on your shoulder giving advice and generally being sassy but inoffensive, and the dangerous hybrids that often act as a sort of end-level boss who seem much stronger than you but with one obvious weakness you can exploit (assuming you are able to jump onto their head at will)

• Triage → adjusts to Treeage
  So obviously, the old meaning of the word triage makes no sense. It’s annoying as both a noun and a verb basically doing the same thing, which is to assess someone before a doctor sees them. Just send in a doctor the first time and then he² can get on with giving the pills or rubbing the wound or giving it a kiss better or whatever it is doctors do.³ BUT in memory of this word, I am willing to suggest we take the original concept and apply it to something a bit more linguistically appropriate, e.g. the Trees. So, rehash it as ‘Treeage’ to mean ‘assessing a tree before a tree doctor sees it’

• Barmen/Barman, Barista → amended definition
  We don’t really have a need anymore for people to pour drinks given all the robots and the collapse of the drinks industry, and these drinking establishments are becoming relics of a bygone age, therefore it makes sense to think of Barmen as a catch-all term for people who like bars as their ‘thing’. Following this, anyone that does work in a bar pouring drinks, as it will become a performance role, a daliance for the afficionados that require someone to maintain the performance of someone who poured drinks in the 20th Century, should be called a Barista. Following these, we need some new words such as Barmen-man (someone from people who like bars as their ‘thing’ is their ‘thing’), Bar-barman (an employed man at a bar who is considered the resident bar enthusiast to help promote correct ettiquette etc.). And then, for disambiguation, we should confirm the continued use of the terms Barber-man (someone who likes people who cut hair as their ‘thing’), Baa-baa-baa-man (someone who likes sheep as their ‘thing’), and BahaMen-man (someone who likes the band Baha Men as their ‘thing’).⁴ Incidentally, it should be noted that the Baha Men actually employed their own Baa-baa-baa-man-Barber, whose job it was to cut the hair of men who like sheep as their ‘thing’ (which was all of the band, hence their aversion to dogs being unleashed while their beloved lambs roamed free); this employee also happened to be a Bahamas-Bar-barman (to keep bars in the Bahamas true to their history) who had a B.A. in B.A Baracas’s career on the Maracas in Caracas (he pitied the fool who didn’t have maracas as their ‘thing’).

Removed Words

• Astronaut - removed. Too dull for the role description. I believe a more sparkly alternative should be found that suits, like a Starryglitzbanger (but not that), but this is TBD.

• GP - removed. I’ve just found out it’s supposed to mean a family doctor as well as a fast car race? No way, the impact of accidental misuse could be devastating in either direction. Use ‘FD’ instead to mean ‘Family Doctor’ e.g. “The name’s Who, Dr Who F.D. M.D. shaken and overworked”

If you could amend your wordbooks as required, that would be appreciated.

Here endeth the lesson, and beginneth your task